it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
