i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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