Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
