you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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