I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize