"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
