help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
