Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
