Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I faked an abortion last night.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
