broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
