Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She needs sedatives and a leash
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
