Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
