forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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