nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am available for nakedness
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
