oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
