The maid of honor just puked.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
