i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
