I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
