I wish I only lived at night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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