Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
