Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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