I'm passing your future prison.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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