If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
