I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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