Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i was born a porn star she said
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize