Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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