i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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