I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize