How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
