I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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