I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
