her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
porn star boner night. come get it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
