i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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