i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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