Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
