Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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