Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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