There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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