FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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