I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
