she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
