i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
