I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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