the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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