haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
