The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
