When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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