i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize