note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
