How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
