You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
