she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize