Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
