i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
