did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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