can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
