I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
