i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
