I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
