im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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