Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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