Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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