she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
