After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
