Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
